Brian’s Reflection: Friday, January 8, 2010

When we encounter the family from the point of view
of the soul, accepting its shadows and its failure
to meet our idealistic expectations, we are faced
with mysteries that resist our moralism and sentiment-
ality. We are taken down to the earth, where principle
gives way to life in all its beauty and horror.

Thomas More, “Care of the Soul”


My deepest inner “soul” pushed me. I fled “family” – on various levels of the understanding of “family” – when I determined to go to university at age 16 against my father’s wishes (this was my intellectual and spiritual preparation, having left the Presbyterian church and become an Anglican at age 18), and then in a more radical way when, at age 21, I left home and country to join the Order of the Holy Cross. I knew, at a profound level of unconscious understanding, that if I was to survive as a Gay man, I had to find another Family. My heart and spirit knew that the Order of the Holy Cross was 95% Gay – and that I would find support and a loving God – and I did.

I have no regrets. Over the last 43 years, every time I hear the words of the Gospel – “there is no one who has left home and family and country for me who shall not receive ……” – I see the hand of a caring Mystery/God calling me to “safety” and to “family”. I have been deeply nourished.

But. More’s words present a challenge. I have chosen my family – those who accepted me for who I was as a Gay man. And church communities that did. And friends who did. However, there have come times, with friends and church, when they have rejected or hurt me. Then the challenge has come, from the “point of view of the soul”. There have been times when I chose to leave those “families”. I’ve left friends. Over the years I have been tempted to leave the “church”, and the Episcopal Church in particular – even now after 45 years, as we contemplate whether or not to remain part of a Communion which seems to want to force the Episcopal Church to reject Gayfolk.

I’ve worked my way – grudgingly - to “accepting its shadows and its failure to meet our idealistic expectations”. I have little peace with it. I accept that it is a “mystery”. I reject that I am moralistic or sentimental about it. But I do feel “taken down to earth”. I see its “beauty and horror” – but I do not let go of my principles.

“Beauty and horror”. That is earthly life in the human race. I guess I see that engaging with the Beauty and the Horror is Reality. It teaches us to mature – if we find the wisdom and peace and courage to do so. I am grateful for the Path I chose. May yours serve you well.

Brian+